Written by Clarke Rose and originally published in her “Sex and Roses” Blog
I sat in my Gender & Health class today as these two girls presented on FGM. Long story short they go on to defend the process and say the women who have had this “procedure” feel empowered and more feminine and pure. Yes, this is sometimes the case. Yes, it is so important to recognise the cultural associations with FGM, and not as a white westerner just go, “But it’s so wrong!” This is a necessary viewpoint on FGM, which has a long and complicated history.
But here’s the thing: Even the west has cultural traditions that are fucked up, and it doesn’t mean they are inherently right. And it’s important to analyse how things got to where they are now. And all of this got me thinking about clitoris.
As the girls presenting compared FGM to male circumcision I got to thinking. Well no, they are NOT the same. I don’t agree with male circumcision either, but the cases are different. In pretty much all cases of FGM the clitoris is removed. In extreme cases the clitoris is removed and the labia are sewn up to leave a small opening for the vagina. Male circumcision removes a bit of skin. Female “circumsion” removes the ENTIRE clitoris.
The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings, more than anywhere else on the female body and TWICE as many nerve endings as the penis. Do you hear that? The clitoris is MORE sensitive and filled with pleasure than the penis. The penis which has become the holy grail of sexual experiences and how those experiences are then measured. The clitoris offers MORE than that. The clitoris is also the ONLY PART of the body that literally only serves to please you. No, you don’t pee out of your clit. It’s okay if you thought that. While men use their penis for peeing, we have a clit, that is LITERALLY only there to be touched and make you wet. Your clitoris is connected to your G-spot, so surprise! It’s necessary for orgasm.
There is a lot of talk about there being two kinds of orgasms 1. vaginal 2. clitoral. Well a lot of the actual research is lacking, because people honestly really don’t care if women are orgasming. Just watch some porn, it will show you that. But the women who have done research and studies have found that having a vaginal orgasm is directly related to the arousal of the clitoris. And I can tell you that the times I have felt I am having a mystical magical “vaginal orgasm” it definitely started from my clit being rubbed at the same time. And all of this makes sense because the clitoris is connected to every single structure in the female genitals.
I am DONE not talking about the clitoris.
I remember one time I was watching “How I Met Your Mother” and Marshall and Lily (a couple that had been together for a long ass time) are in the doctor’s office. Marshall sees a fake structure of a vulva on the wall. He points to what I am assuming is the clitoris, and goes, “What’s that little thing on the top do?” WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY? He’s been dating his girlfriend for at least 10 years and he’s supposed to not know where the clit is?
THIS ISN’T FUNNY. Imagine completely ignoring the penis, no stimulation at all and then going, “Okay honey I’m gonna grab a dildo and fuck you in the ass now.” Just imagine saying that to a man. That’s what it’s like to ignore the clitoris. It’s just fucking stupid. And we can not continue not talking about it.
Then you have 19th century psychology when a bunch of men got together and decided that women are passive and don’t enjoy sex and definitely don’t need to orgasm.
Then you have Sigmund Freud who said that women can only orgasm vaginally. You know why he said this? Because this is how men orgasm, by entering a vagina. (Heterosexual men who don’t wanna involve their prostate?) So men and psychologists and sexologists of the time did everything in their power to create experiments and “discover facts” that led to the sexual enjoyment of women being utterly forgotten.
So now there is sooooo much pressure on women to have this “vaginal orgasm.” I for one have been with guys who just feel like failures because I never reach that vaginal orgasm with them, and then I end up feeling bad and eventually fake it to see that big stupid smile on their face. Worth it? No. 75% of women need clitoral stimulation to come. Apparently vaginal, clitoral, and cervical orgasms all exist, but for most women the clitoris has to be involved. And some sexperts believe the G-spot is really just an extension of the clitoris, as I mentioned earlier. So when women can’t just come by being fucked senseless with no other stimulation, they feel like there’s something wrong with them, and then their friends ask if they can orgasm and they feel self conscious and say “yes,” and then their friends feel bad because they actually can’t orgasm, so they go tell their partners, “yes i’m orgasming,” and then their partner goes on and thinks they are making the next women come, AND ACTUALLY, NO ONE IS ORGASMING.
This is sad and should upset you.
It all leads to my next point, if you don’t know how to fuck yourself, how the hell will your partner know?
Men do it. Men do it from a young age. Men even get handed magazines and porn sites. They are assisted on their masturbation path. Whereas women are shamed and embarrassed. I remember finally in high school around 17 my friends and I started masturbating. It was so great, we were all so happy. And then all of a sudden one of my friends gets SO mad that we are talking about masturbation, she has to leave the room. I felt guilty, like I had been talking about something really naughty to her. NOPE. Masturbation is about as natural as feeding yourself.
For women who don’t know, one of the best ways to masturbate is just by playing with your clit. The first time I masturbated I was so young and so horny and I remember just sticking my finger in my vagina, because I thought that’s what you do. That did nothing for me, and I didn’t touch myself again for like 5 years. QUEL DOMMAGE, am I right?
Start with external touching. Start over your panties. Light candles. Clean your room. Really fucking worship yourself. Gently rub your pussy. Work your way into your panties. Watch a scene that turns you on, listen to music or don’t do any of that and just close your eyes. Use two fingers on your clit. Lift the hood of your clit back and rub in a circular motion. Trust me, you’ll get there. And you’ll find what works for you. But you must know what it feels like to orgasm, what it feels like when your close. Because then you can tell your partner what to do, because if you know nothing about your vagina, he knows even less. I say “he” because lesbians usually know what’s up and would not generally have this problem.
“BUT I JUST HATE IT WHEN GUYS GO DOWN.”
Oh my god, really? Just like little girls who ask for FGM, you have been raised and socially constructed to have these thoughts. Have you ever heard a guy say the same thing? Rarely. (If you really don’t like receiving oral and have some kinda really valid reason for not liking it, this next part isn’t for you. But if you just don’t like it and you’re not really sure why, READ THIS). You have been told you are not worth sexual pleasure. You have been raised to think sex is over when a man comes. You have been taught that if a boy likes you, you become important. All of these thoughts, lead to you thinking you don’t like oral sex. Because you are that “cool-girl-who-never wants-guys-to-go-down-and-just-loves-giving-head.” Wellllll honey, you can do better! You can give head and get head! Incredible!
I have been with the whole spectrum. I dated a guy for 7 months who made me go down on him every single time before sex and only gave me head three times. Then I moved to Europe and this never happened again. I notice that European guys, and some others, love to give pleasure. Their pleasure comes from giving you pleasure.
When Pierre is licking me, he gets hard, and then he fucks me. His arousal comes from getting me aroused and wet. He loves it more than anything. He wants to taste me all the time. It’s like I’m a dessert. And he’s soft and gentle and rough when I need it. He has taken the time to STUDY my pussy, and fall in love with my clitoris. I also masturbate nearly everyday. Who needs highlighter when you can wake up with an orgasm?
Can’t say I’ve done it (yet?) But I have had it done a lot. Here’s what I’ve learned.
1. Start slow. Maybe you’re scared of the vagina, that’s okay, you’ve never had any proper education or seen how to give proper head from all the porn you’ve watched. Good thing is women are patient, and want you to take your time exploring.
2. Arousing the pussy can start from the simplest things. The way jeans rub a woman, a hand on the thy. A kiss on the neck.
3. Lots of different things can get women going and in the mood. Also, there are lots of different ways to go down on a woman, I am only explaining one way that I always like.
4. Start touching your partner over her jeans or skirt or dress. That distant but so close touching feels amazing. Really light taps. If you’re adventurous, start to kiss her over her clothing. Even on top of the clitoris (that is under the clothing).
5. Slowly remove (or quickly) whatever clothing is there. Then you have the panties. Panties are so fun. Pull them in different directions, use them to rub the clit, lick them, mix your mouth’s wetness with hers. Kiss all around the panties, the longer you wait, the more torture, the better it’s gonna feel.
6. Either remove the panties or just push them to the side (I love when Pierre just moves them to the side). Start slowly licking all around the clit and the lips. Small licks, you’re not licking an ice cream cone, but maybe a small lollipop. Don’t let things get tooooo wet, the clit will lost it’s sensitivity.
7. Look up, you have a beautiful naked women in front of you, enjoy yourself. Let yourself be aroused by her pleasure. Reach up, gently grab a titty, touch the nipple. Everything in this moment is so sensitive.
8. Really concentrate your licks on the clit. The same motion in the same speed might really do it for your woman. Another woman might want sucking, another woman might want you to use your hand and rub.
9. While your mouth is playing with the clit, slowly insert one finger into the vagina. Use that finger to play inside, find the spot that feels good. The internal stimulation will actually help the external and vice versa. Add more fingers as needed. Cut your damn nails.
10. Focus on the pussy and the clit, listen to your woman, when you find something she likes, keep at it. Can’t be any harder than keeping your jaw open for long periods of time. Wink.
11. ET VOILA!
12. For those of you lucky bitches on the receiving end: Enjoy. Relax. A big part of orgasming is mental, you want to be in a good head space. Don’t put pressure on yourself. The orgasm will come when you’re ready, I promise.
Pleasure is a two way street. Getting good head normally inspires one to give good head. And good sex involves the CLIT. It’s pivotal, it’s incredible, it’s beautiful, and it needs tender love and care. Pussies are so undeniable, and tend to be so forgotten throughout history. Do them justice, lick the clit, more orgasms can only make the world a better place. And because Cardi B says it best:
“Pussy so good, I say my own name during sex.”
& now a list of quotes from the wonderful project called CLITERACY started by Sophia Wallace.
“In 1998 Dr. Helen O’Connell proved the clitoris is exponentially larger and more complex than once believed.”
“99% of porn is a monocrop of rapid penetration gratuitous ejaculation 1% plot and 0% cliteracy.”
“Masturbating inside women is not sex it’s stone age.”
“A man would never be expected to get off through sex acts that ignored his primary sexual organ.”
“In 1969, we put a man on the moon. In 1982 we invented the internet. In 1998, we discovered the full anatomy of the clitoris.”
“The vaginal orgasm is a myth invented by Freud in 1905.”